This First Person column is written by Mariom Ferrer, a social worker living with OCD in Ottawa. For more information about CBC’s First Person stories, please see the FAQ.
For as long as I can remember I have been scared and tortured by dark thoughts. They seem to come out of nowhere, even during happy moments. They are like a second inner voice, that I think of as a bully or monster.
Though they’ve been with me my whole life, I was 40 years old before I mustered the courage to seek a diagnosis. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and for me, it primarily involves obsessions in my mind rather than visible physical compulsions, a presentation some call “Pure O.”
But I like to call my bully, simply, O.
Not like the movies
Many people associate OCD with fears of germs and excessive handwashing, but the reality is much more nuanced.
OCD involves intrusive and unwanted thoughts, images or urges, known as obsessions, which trigger intense feelings of anxiety and fear. To relieve this anxiety, those of us with OCD often engage in compulsions — mental or physical behaviours that are ritualistic in nature.
I had never been particularly worried about germs or washed my hands excessively, which is why I never considered that I might have OCD.
Until recently I did not know compulsions can be subtle mental acts, like repeating a word or number in your mind or ruminating about an intrusive thought — which is why many don’t see them as compulsions.
The schoolyard bully
At age 6, when she first appeared, I didn’t have a name for my bully.
I grew up in a small town in Venezuela. When the school bell rang to announce the end of the day, I waited for my parents to pick me up and O said, “Your parents will forget you or die, and you will be left alone in school forever.”
I was overcome by an unshakable fear which I could not understand. So I cried. Inconsolably. Every day. Publicly. My parents were great parents, they never forgot me in school, yet I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts.
They tried to help me by taking me to the school counsellor, who suggested I might have separation anxiety. But the intrusive thoughts continued.
O would whisper, “Don’t tell anyone about me. They won’t understand.” But I didn’t have words to describe her anyway. Back then, there was little knowledge and mental health resources available for kids in Venezuela.
Growing up with OCD
Things got worse when I turned nine and began to prepare for First Communion, a Catholic rite of passage. I learned about the devil and sin, which led to new scary thoughts, such as “the devil is going to come get me,” and nightmares that had me begging not to sleep alone.
I faced a new challenge around the age of 11, when I began to feel attracted to other girls. Living in a conservative country and not knowing any gay women, I felt scared and alone. I was fighting two stressful battles: my OCD and internalized homophobia.
While I eventually accepted my sexuality, the intrusive thoughts continued.
Piece of the puzzle?
At age 23, I heard about OCD. I’d moved to Canada the previous year and started my studies in social work.
While preparing for a psychology exam, I read about OCD and intrusive thoughts. For the first time, I thought, “this sounds like what’s happening in my mind.”
But because the description of compulsions didn’t resonate, I was also resistant to the idea that OCD might explain my experience. Part of me felt like I was finally uncovering the missing piece of the puzzle, while the other part remained skeptical.
Coming to terms with O
Last year was one of the hardest in my life. Mom lost her four-year journey with cancer. And after 40 years of carefully masking my symptoms, I just fell apart.
Grief intensified my symptoms. Though I had already been in therapy for help with the anxieties I’d wrestled with since childhood, I reached out to a clinical psychologist with expertise in OCD, who confirmed my diagnosis.
Even though I am a social worker working in mental health, there was so much I didn’t know. For example, I learned I do have compulsions but they are quick, subtle and mental — so quick I didn’t even recognize them.
I began treatment to better target my OCD. For example, when an intrusive thought shows up, I try not to engage with it. I visualise myself telling her: “Thank you, but not right now,” or “Interesting.” And move on.
O said, “Your parents will forget you or die, and you will be left alone in school forever.”– Mariom Ferrer
For me, accepting the diagnosis has helped me manage my symptoms. I’ve realized though O is always going to be there, I can choose when, how and if I respond.
But, I just began my recovery journey so I don’t always succeed. O can be very persistent at times.
I still struggle to have a good night’s sleep but I no longer have night sweats and terrors. I now have more free space in my mind for what really matters: family, friends, work and hobbies.
For me, life on the other side of O is incredibly fulfilling. These days, she has become less scary — more like a diminished bully and one I’ve made peace with.
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