This is a First Person column by Simone Abrahamsohn, who lives in Toronto. For more information about CBC’s First Person stories, see the FAQ.
Since the pandemic, I’ve acquired a new skill: juggling.
After declaring personal bankruptcy a few years ago (prompted by poor budgeting, late bills, overspending online and UberEats orders), I wasn’t allowed to have a credit card and came to rely on money lenders when I found myself short of cash. At first I would use these lenders randomly, but I soon became dependent on them.
The process seemed straightforward enough: like a loan from a bank but with higher interest, and due back in two weeks.
Feeling less than flush in the fall of 2023, after shifting to part-time work — having become a full-time caregiver for my brother — I started the holiday season wanting to feel “abundant” and not stress about coming up short for gifts (this goes for birthdays, too). I quickly spiralled into a schedule of hopping from one money lender to another, spending more time at those outlets than with friends and family.
I found myself making excuses for declining invites with co-workers and friends, because I was preoccupied with sneaking around to pay off or renew from my neighbourhood lenders.
Like the raincoat-clad porn addict furtively slinking into an old-school theatre in Times Square, I’d tell myself, “Just one more time” while entering these alternative banks.
I got to be on a first-name basis with clerks at Money Mart, Cash Money and their ilk. And while it’s nice to go where everybody knows your name, I was ready to give up my seat at the bar and end that self-destructive relationship.
Obsessive habit
This all-consuming habit had impacted me in different ways: sleep issues and chronic fight-or-flight symptoms. Although it’s been documented that those who struggle with ADHD often struggle with financial management, I couldn’t continue to use this justification to maintain this behaviour.
I had hoped that the high interest (46.9 per cent) would be enough motivation for me to quit for good.
However, my lack of foresight soon came back to bite me. Due to a combination of the high interest and my employment status changing to part-time, it was challenging to pay back a loan in just a couple of weeks.
I soon found myself caught up in a robbing-Peter-to-pay-Paul cycle. I quickly started hustling and borrowed from various other short-term loan companies, establishing a pattern that felt smothering.
Disheartened and ashamed of my rapidly mounting debts, I decided to go back to the credit counselling trustees who had helped me with my bankruptcy a few years prior. In talking with my trustee, I was reminded that my reliance on the money lenders stemmed from wanting to have an extra cushion of cash to help with holiday spending, birthdays, etc., and that I’d been chasing that feeling of abundance.
The key factor that I’d overlooked was that I simply wasn’t in a position to borrow repeatedly, and that securing extra funds needed to be accomplished through old-fashioned budgeting and saving.
Investigating the real cost of borrowing thousands of dollars, and revealing debt traps to avoid.
Also, I learned to try to separate money from emotion — thoughts such as “I need to be able to afford nice holidays and birthday presents,” “Why am I short on cash?” and “I feel like a failure” — and view it as a tool. This helped me feel more in command (or at least to adopt a more pragmatic attitude).
Saving strategies
In an effort to make budgeting goals more attainable and wean myself from the money lenders (with the help of my trustee), I now subscribe to YouTube money influencers who use coloured envelopes and files — visuals help the ADHD brain — for separate savings goals. If I can’t afford to participate in birthday celebrations (i.e., buying a gift and contributing to the meal of the person in question), I will suggest meeting another time, and staying within my budget with a coffee-and-cake outing or a more modest gift.
My trustee also encouraged me to get a secured credit card, where you can control the borrowing amount, and gradually re-establish credit this way. I also follow cooking videos and try to grocery shop more regularly with meal planning in mind, so I don’t succumb to the UberEats temptation when I’m tired or hangry.
Though I’m not as close to having a “clean slate” as I would like, I’m in a better place these days with money, having realized that debt (and a poor credit rating) isn’t worth the initial thrill of immediate gratification.
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