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As I toiled through some phone-based admin on a recent dreary morning, a notification popped up that shook me to my core. A friend appeared to have left a one-minute-long voice note in a 13-member group chat.
What could possibly have happened, I asked myself? What could she have to tell the other 12 of us that demanded our immediate collective aural attention in this way? As I listened, intrigue gave way to indignation. Not only had she left a one-minute voice note in a 13-person WhatsApp group but it was directed at — and only concerned — one other person in the chat. My friend had flagrantly flouted voice note code and yet, with no code explicitly established, I had no way of calling her out.
Voice notes are a highly divisive medium of communication. There are those, like me, who enjoy both leaving and (when they are used correctly) listening to them; those who enjoy receiving them but not recording them, or vice versa; and then there are those who detest them and who feel very strongly about that. Innumerable column inches have been devoted to decrying how invasive, self-indulgent and inconsiderate they are.
It seems the haters are losing the battle, though. A poll conducted by YouGov for Vox last year found that 62 per cent of Americans have sent them, and about 30 per cent communicate this way on a regular basis. WhatsApp said in 2022 that people were sending an unbelievable 7bn voice notes a day on its platform. But even the voice note aficionados among us have our limits. All of us know a voice note bore. And it is time to establish some ground rules before future mornings are ruined.
Debrett’s made an attempt at laying out some very basic voice note etiquette back in 2022, but it was much too prohibitive. It suggested limiting voice notes to less than two minutes; not using filler words such as “like”; not sending voice notes when inebriated. None of these rules need be adhered to. Indeed, one of the great joys of a voice note is that — as long as you are leaving it for someone who feels affectionately towards you, and who doesn’t hate voice notes — you can really relax and be yourself. “Er”, “what was I saying?”, hiccups and all.
Which brings us to our first rule: only ever leave voice notes for someone you are confident likes you. A voice note is a demand on someone else’s time. It is also, as the detractors say, somewhat self-indulgent. While it is the case that a spot of self-indulgence can actually be quite healthy, it is unreasonable to expect someone who dislikes you to indulge you. Never argue via voice note either. To not allow someone to respond in real time to an accusation you are levelling at them is to emotionally torture them. And don’t leave a voice note when you are in a grumpy mood either — nobody wants to hear you whining.
Don’t force voice notes on to those (albeit unenlightened) people who have told you they hate them, unless there is a really good reason why you cannot text instead. If you do, you should be open to the possibility that they will never listen to your monologue. Maybe that’s OK. After all, delivering the monologue can be rather enjoyable in itself.
Making your listener wait while you talk to someone else — a boss, partner, or pet — is unacceptable. So is making them wait while you look for your train ticket, keys, or child. A “pause” function is available. Use it.
Never give complicated instructions or directions in a voice note — these should be typed out so the other person can refer back to them. If you end up leaving a long voice note that contains a mixture of key information (such as a response to a specific question the other person has asked you) and rambly bits, follow it up with a text that gives the other person the important stuff so they’re not forced to listen straight away.
You need not keep your messages too short. Some of my favourite voice-noters leave me messages of 10 minutes or more. Leaving a voice note that is under 10 seconds long — unless you are hilarious or the other person adores you — is irritating. Type it out instead.
Follow the other person’s cues. If they are responding to your eight-minute specials with one-minute voice messages or curt texts, take the hint. Also, if your message is longer than about four minutes, you should be open to the possibility that the other person is going to take a long time to listen and respond. If your message is upwards of 10 minutes, they might never listen to it. Be at peace with that.
All you need do, really, is remember to use a bit of common sense. Modern innovations need not negate good old-fashioned manners. And for God’s sake, unless you have won a Nobel Prize, lost a limb, or been found guilty of 34 counts of felony, never, ever, leave a voice note in a group chat.