Caring for Dad: how my sister and I are sharing the load

This personal essay is written by Amy Coupal, CEO of the Ontario Caregiver Association.

“Aren’t you emotional about this?” my sister Julia asked me over the phone from Calgary a few weeks ago.

We were having another conversation about my 86-year-old dad, Charles, moving out of the home we grew up in, here in Toronto.

The truth is I am emotional, but right now as his primary caregiver here on the ground, there’s so much to do, and in that moment that’s what I was focused on.

Sharing the caregiving load from a distance is a situation that could cause friction in the family, but we’ve found a way to make it work over years of practice.

Experienced Caregiver

For my part, being a caregiver has become a part of who I am.  I was a young caregiver for my brother who had cerebral palsy, and for my mom through her cancer and palliative care journey more than a decade ago.

Losing my brother at a young age and my mother far too soon taught me that the times we have with the ones we love may be short, and that even the tough times are worth embracing.  

The process of supporting my dad has been different entirely.  He’s a relatively healthy guy who is facing the challenges of aging, loneliness and making big life decisions that impact both him and me.  

But once again, I am so glad that I get to be “his person.”  We do medical appointments together, are planning a move for him to live closer to me and work through all the changes life brings his way.  

Because my sister is far away we’ve divided up the responsibilities based on what needs to be done in person versus what can be taken care of from a distance.  We’ve even got a spreadsheet that helps us keep track of how we’re sharing the load, who is taking care of what and when tasks are completed.

Lessons Learned

My caregiving experiences have taught me many things and I hope I’m getting better at it each time.  To other caregivers out there, each facing their own unique challenges, joys and choices, I would share the following:

• Create a circle of care.  If you can, figure out who can help with caregiving.  This might mean people take on tasks such as meal prep, animal care, household activities or drives to healthcare providers.  It’s okay for people to do different things based on their time and capacity to help.

• Draw on your strengths. Whether it’s communicating, organizing, cooking or anything else, use what you know to help you as a caregiver.  I often joke that my project management skills help me as a caregiver.  That’s why my sister and I have a spreadsheet! 

• Accept that caregiving changes over time and is different in each caregiving relationship.  Adaptability is really key in caregiving because we never know when circumstances may change and no two caregiving relationships will be the same either. 

• Whenever possible, find the humour and don’t feel bad about it!  Caregiving can be hard in so many ways. When there’s a chance to laugh, even in the darkest of times, give yourself permission to do so.  

• Give yourself grace.  Caregiving is a huge responsibility in someone’s life and it can be hard to balance.  I have definitely had moments I wish I could have done differently and where I’ve realized I was burnt out.  I’ve learned to practice forgiving myself when I fall short of my own expectations and to do my best to give myself what I need, which can be easier said than done but is always worth striving for. 

• Connect with others. Caregiving can be incredibly lonely but there is support out there.  I have the great privilege of being the CEO of the Ontario Caregiver Organization which provides a range of supports for caregivers including a 24/7 Helpline, peer support and much more.  There are caregiver organizations in BC, Alberta, Nova Scotia,  Quebec and one for young caregivers too.  If you need help, don’t be afraid to reach out.  

Caregiving has shaped who I am and I believe anyone who becomes a caregiver is changed in some way by the experience. To caregivers who are trying to balance it all, you’re not alone and if you need to, reach out for support.